At Mom's estate sale, May 2007 - brother John Willard, sister Kathleen W. McGuire, brother Bob Willard, and me.
A few days ago, while perusing Facebook, I came across a photo album and discovered that my oldest brother’s son had gotten married earlier this month.
Maybe I’m just weird, but I think when someone in your family gets married, you ought to learn about it from someone in your family, not by stumbling across some pictures on Facebook.
But this is nothing new. It brought back memories of a painful incident that occurred nearly four years ago. I’ve decided to write about this incident both for therapeutic reasons and because it speaks volumes about what happens when a deaf person has the nerve to try and exist in an all-hearing family.
Sadly, my experience is not unique. Many deaf people have shared their own stories of mistreatment at the hands of their hearing family members. Too often, deaf people are left in the dark about family developments, because let’s face it, we’re just too damn difficult to communicate with.
Here’s what happened to me:
My mom went in the hospital in Oct. 2006 for surgery. I live 350 miles away and my mom did not want me to come down. I have three siblings who were taking care of things.
Mom experienced a number of setbacks, and in January 2007 she was still hospitalized. I was told that I should visit, as Mom was getting worse.
I flew down on a Tuesday and went straight to the hospital, where I spent the day. That night I went to Mom’s house. It was sad. Whereas the house had always been warm and cozy, this time it was cold and blue.
The next day I woke up and my sister had already left for the hospital. Before going there myself, I decided to check out a drawer in the dining room where Mom always left recent family photos.
Right on top was an envelope of pictures. The first few shots showed my sister and her husband and kids at some kind of social event. Oh. I guess she had a party and sent Mom some pictures.
But then I saw my aunt and uncle. Then I saw my brother and his family. And then I saw my other brother and his family as well.
And then it dawned on me. They had a family reunion and didn’t tell me.
All day long I mulled over this puzzling find while my sister and I visited Mom at the hospital. Finally, that evening, back home, sitting in the living room with my sister, I asked her about it.
“I know I don’t have the best memory,” I said, “but was there a family reunion recently that I forgot all about?”
She went quiet, staring straight ahead. Finally she said, “I don’t want to talk about it. We’ll talk about it later.”
That told me all I needed to know. My return home had been open-ended, but I immediately got on the computer and bought a ticket home for the next day. I did not want to be around these people.
The next morning my sister saw my suitcase by the door and asked what was up and I said I was going home. I went to the hospital and spent some time with Mom. When my sister and oldest brother showed up, I said goodbye and left.
Of course, I didn’t tell Mom what was going on. I simply said that I had to get back home for my son, as I was a single dad and my son was 14 and staying with a friend’s family during my absence.
I never really got a good answer for why I was excluded from the party. After a lengthy delay, my sister sent me an email titled GET OVER IT!!! She said I was not invited because I had been feuding with one of my brothers.
This is true. But … so?? What gives her the right to get involved in someone else’s feud? What gives her the right to choose sides and favor one person over the other?
It’s not like I’m an axe murderer or something. I’ve never done anything to justify being treated like a leper. When I was a teenager I published a family newsletter to keep my far-flung family together. I was also the clan’s official photographer, taking pictures at events and making copies and sending them to everyone.
Later there were denials that the event was a “family reunion.” I was told that it was just a party thrown by my sister to honor her daughter, who had earned a Ph.D. Who cares what words are used to describe the event? Family members had flown in from as far away as California for this event, the first such gathering in many years.
Families are supposed to be a refuge from a cold and uncaring world. My own family was cold and uncaring to me.
If I were invited to a family event and knew that one member was purposely being excluded, there is no way I would show up and support that kind of behavior.
Frankly, I can’t believe they put my mom in this situation, where she had to play a role in the cover-up. She wrote to me all the time, telling me everything, but never said a word about this family get-together.
It was the last chance my mom ever had of seeing her whole family together. I was told that Mom did not attend, as her back was bothering her. Stupid family! Don’t they realize that Mom BOYCOTTED the event because my kids and I weren’t invited? In the same spirit, I have no doubt that she purposely left those pictures there for me to find.
What they did, they didn’t just do to me. They did it to my mom, and they did it to my kids, who missed a rare opportunity to hang out with their aunts and uncles and cousins. Their next chance would come at Mom’s funeral in April 2007.
My family gets mad when I talk about this situation. They don’t want people to know what they did to me.
But I have always felt that if you don’t want people to know about the bad shit you do, don’t do the bad shit in the first place.
This is just one story of one deaf person being mistreated by his own family. Unfortunately, I’m sure there are millions more.
Most families have conflicts, but they work through the problems and get over it. When you’re deaf, they use conflicts as an excuse to write you out of their lives so they don’t have to deal with the fact that they never learned how to communicate with you.
I can well relate. And I could go on a personal rant with my own experiences, but I’ll spare you.
Richard Bach has a quote that says “The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.”
I’m the only deaf member of my family as well .. and have often been left out of family discussions and happenings. It’s definitely a lonely experience that, like you said, many Deaf people empathize with.
Maybe we should have a poll and see how common this experience is.
My sister, my only sibling, omitted me from the family for years and since our mother died, cut me off despite living in the same town and in the family home.
We feel closer with schoolmates and colleagues and gatherings with them are like family reunions. It has to do with communication and shared experiences…what is the answer with families divided by deafness?
That was really sad to read and I’m sorry it happened to you.
Tom, I cried when I read your story. I praised you for your bravery to share this. I dare you to make this a national attention. PUBLISH your story! You can gather everyone else’s painful story as much I can 100% understand as I am only Deaf in all hearing family. CODHA (Child of Dumb Hearing Adult)
From the responses here and on Facebook, along with personal notes and experiences, this seems to be a widespread problem. Two friends have told me that when someone in their family dies or goes in a hospital, their family loots the person’s home before the deaf person is told what happened. In my opinion, just as we only recently began to focus on the issue of elder abuse, we should also be looking at deaf abuse. Much of it stems from our own families, who take advantage of our deafness to keep us in the dark. Both of my brothers have criticized me privately for airing their dirty laundry on the Internet. I think the good guys don’t care who knows what, and the bad guys try to cover things up.
It’s hard when sibling squabbles obscures the real issue: deaf members of the family being omitted from activities or news.
Exclusion can occur for many reasons, so deafness as a reason is easily obscured. Also, the family becomes accustomed to living this way (remember the photo of the living room with you reading and everyone else chatting?) so it is a surprise when the deaf member makes waves. When that happens, the deaf member gets blamed for being out of order. Actually it is most likely the parents that set this pattern to begin with.
It’s a no-win situation and many deaf people simply give up on their family once parents have passed and give their loyalty to their lifelong deaf friends instead.
Ugh! I can relate to it on some levels. So sorry to hear you had to go through those family craps.
What does being deaf have anything to do with you not being invited to this event? It sounds like you’re making a case for deaf discrimination when really it’s your personality people don’t like.
Sorry that I didn’t get it in writing that they excluded me because of my deafness, then I’d have the evidence to answer your question. All I can say is that having lived within this family dynamic all my life, I feel my family manufacturers problems and holds on to grudges long after normal families get over it, so they can keep me at arm’s distance and not have to communicate with me. They never learned how to do that and it makes them uncomfortable so it’s easier to just banish me to Siberia. Trust me, I’m not the only deafie with this sort of deaf/hearing family interaction. A lot of hearing families don’t even tell the deaf member when somebody dies! I just happen to write about these things.
As for personality, it’s remarkable how we go out in the world being ourselves and some people will love us and others will hate us and it’s all coming from them, not us. Right now people are giving me a lot of support for an ADA complaint I filed while others hate my guts over the same thing. Weird, huh? But anyway, my personality is not that far out there as to merit being excluded from a family reunion. Family is supposed to be accepting.
Mr. Willard,
Everyone has problems. You are certainly not unique in this regard.
Some problems are brought on by a person’s own actions. Some are not.
I believe one’s character is shown in how they deal with the problems they experience.
I have to question the true character of someone, yourself, who ends up complaining about others, flaming others, and blaming others for problem situations. You complain about being unfriended after you write an inflammatory article. You complain about not being invited to a family reunion. You complain about not being provided with an interpreter. I’m sure the list goes on.
Perhaps you should look in the mirror and reflect on your complaints. It appears to me that you have a tendancy to alienate others who don’t conform to you and your desires.
The world is not going to conform to you. It is inflexible. You must bend somewhat to get along with others.
Where is it written that families are obligated to invite members who constantly complain and irritate to events? I believe not inviting those types of persons is a natural and healthy response.
I also believe your character shows in filing the Department of Justice complaint. Your expectation of an interpreter is unreasonable. You probably encounter many businesses in your daily life. I assume you visit a grocery store, bank, pharmacy, dry cleaner, physician, retail stores, restaurants, etc. Do each and every one of these businesses provide an interpreter for you? I seriously doubt it. Do you realize how expensive it would be for each of these businesses to have an interpreter on staff for the event that you might walk in for a few minute transaction? It’s unreasonable and I believe you should be ashamed.
I am not deaf and am not going to attempt to tell you I know how you feel. I don’t. I assume that being deaf creates many challenges and disruptions in your life. I am sorry that you, or anyone else, has to go through that. But remember, I, nor anyone else, caused this challenge in your life. I don’t believe it is reasonable for businesses to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to accommodate your individual situation. I apologize for that opinion, but that is the way I, and the majority of others, feel.
I am so sick and tired of people making stupid comparisons.
Why on earth would I need an interpreter at any of those businesses you mentioned? Have I ever asked for an interpreter at any of those businesses? Well? I’m waiting.
Yeah, I thought so.
There were a huge variety of workshops at the festival. Some that interested me were:
Creative Ways to Deal With Stress
Seeing Through the Eyes of an Artist
Nutrition for Healthy Aging
Skin Cancer Screening
Personal Empowerment
And that is just a few out of probably more than 100 — four pages of small print covering six days, every topic under the sun.
I purposely planned to go for only one day to keep the interpreting cost down. The ADA says I can go all week but I am reasonable. If the sponsor would arrange an interpreter, I would put the word out and more deaf people would come and the sponsors would take in more money. And they can write off the cost of auxiliary aids like interpreters when they do their taxes.
What am I supposed to do, go there and sit around like a dummy, not understanding anything? Should I stop the speaker after every sentence and have him write down what he just said while everyone waits? Should I laugh when I see people laugh so I “fit in”? Should I bring a crossword puzzle so I have something to do? Otherwise I’d be sitting there all day with nothing but my own thoughts to entertain me.
If I notice I am being talked to, should I tell them I am deaf and requested an interpreter but was told no? That should cast an interesting pall on the event as I continue to sit there not understanding anything — especially now that everyone is uncomfortable and feeling guilty because I mentioned their unfulfilled ADA obligations and noted that an extra $2 on the registration fee would have produced $400 for interpreter funding.
It would be ridiculous for me to drive two hours and pay all that money to attend this event if that is what I would face. What’s the point? I guess what you’re saying is that I should just stay home and do nothing — or limit myself to only deaf events.
Yes, it’s a tragedy that a business has to shell out some money once in a blue moon for an interpreter, just as it’s a tragedy when a business has to shell out money for a plumber when the toilet gets clogged.
Why do businesses accept every other kind of expense but when it comes to paying for an interpreter, they go ABSOLUTELY COCKAMAMIE BATSHIT???
Why don’t you all just come right out and say you hate deaf people and be done with it? Wouldn’t that be a lot more honest?
Who are you to say that I don’t have the right to participate in this event when federal law says I do?
You are a hearing person who can do absolutely anything with no barriers whatsoever. You don’t have a clue what it’s like to be told no over and over and over again whenever you try to do any damn thing in the whole damn world, even though Congress said yes 21 years ago.
I forgot to address your absurd statement about “hundreds of thousands of dollars.” What a bunch of cockamamie bullshit!
An interpreter who was ready to do this job charged $50 an hour. I would have been satisfied with six hours of workshops — total $300 — plus travel.
I estimate the park and sponsor took in around $25,000 during the festival from grounds fees and registration fees. They also profited from meals, which were very expensive.
In terms of grounds fees, festival registration and meals, it would have taken 4-5 deaf registrants to cover $300 in interpreting fees. Oh, and did I mention the park can WRITE IT OFF THEIR TAXES!!??
As for me having “problems” with people, that is because when people throw bullshit in my face as you just did, I don’t put up with it. I speak back.
“HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS”??? Where the FUCK do you get that???
Richard, I don’t know what background you have with disabled people or disability in yourself or family members, but I am certain that if you had, you wouldn’t be talking this way.
Disability means facing “no” on a daily basis. Similar to the wrongs of Jim Crow days when black people had to turn away from “white only” facilities and businesses, and were expected to accept this. When nondisabled people tell me I must accept “no access” when I want to hear a speaker or attend an informative meeting or even take an extension course, I frankly see red. Once I felt resigned to it, preferring a second-class citizen existence to making waves, but now that we have ADA telling me “yes, you are equal to others” I am empowered to ask for access where it is not built into the system.
If you still insist on my accepting the old way of being turned away because I was born deaf, may you have a deaf child in the family. May you become deaf yourself later in life and face constant discrimination, both covert and unconscious, in daily life. Then you’ll finally understand.
I try not to be “Angry Deaf Man” but it’s hard not to get mad when dealing with the kind of ignorance that pervades Richard’s comment. I am so flabbergasted by the ridiculous comparison that my request to have one day of workshops interpreted at an annual festival is similar to expecting any business I might drop in on for a minute to have interpreters standing by at any and all times. That is such a ridiculously dumb-ass thing to think and say. You, Richard, are the one that should be ashamed. That argument would not pass muster in third-grade debating class.
Some of the replies to this article are ridiculous. I came across it because I am going through a similar situation with my family. Except I’m not even being invited when people are hospitalized. I am not deaf, so I can not relate to the business comments or even pretend to understand what you go through to find assistance when you want or need it. But I think you should have it available, period. I’m sorry your family treats you as they do. I think some people are just selfish in life. I also copied the comment with this quote, “The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.” As it is very true in my life. Sad but true.